The US Economy Aboard Titanic
"As if hitting an iceberg wasn't surreal enough"
The mess of our economy, which began under the Greenspan regime, just reminded me of the movie Titanic. Though, the sinking of our economy is arguably a bit more drawn out.
Below is an adaptation of actual dialogue from the movie, which parallels well to our current situation. Personally, I think this would make for a hilarious SNL skit (remembering the Titanic skit where “first class deck chairs” were loaded onto life boats first).
The names of the characters have been changed to incriminate the guilty.
Feel free to visit IMDB to compare striking similarities between the actual dialogue.
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-During the Tech Bubble Burst-
China: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.
Uncle Sam: It is unsinkable. God himself could not sink this ship. You may as well lend us your money so we can extend massive lines of credit to buy your junk and fuel the global economy.
Bankers: So you’ve not yet dropped interest rates to zero?
Greenspan: No, I don’t see the need. The economy is in excellent shape, the last collision was completely contained within the Tech sector.
Bankers: The world knows the size of US Economy. Now I want them to marvel at her speed. We must give them something new to print! This maiden voyage of the housing market must make headlines!
Greenspan: Bankers, I would prefer not to push the engines until they’ve been properly run in.
Bankers: Of course, we are just passengers. I leave it to your good offices to decide what’s best. But what a glorious end to your final crossing if we were to over inflate the housing market and surprise them all! Make the morning papers. Retire with a bang, eh Greenie?
Critics: Incredible. Greenspan’s standing there and he’s got the iceberg warning in his fucking hand, excuse me, his hand, and he’s ordering MORE SPEED.
-Exit Greenspan, Enter Bernanke-
Wall Street: [Entourage of economists enter the room; laying out financial models on the table, with the Bankers behind them] Most unfortunate, Bernanke!
Economists: [perspiring and trembling] Toxic Debt… fourteen feet above the keel in ten minutes. In the forepeak, in all three holds and in the boiler room six.
Bulls: She can stay afloat with the first four compartments breached.
Bears: But not five. As she goes down by the head, the toxic debt will spill over the tops of the bulkheads at E deck from one to the next. Back and back. There’s no stopping it.
Bernanke: The pumps… if we opened the doors…
Economists: [interrupting] The pumps buy you time, but months only. From this moment, no matter what we do, the US Economy will founder.
Bankers: [incredulously] But this economy can’t sink! We’re too big to fail.
Bears: She’s made entirely of shit, sirs! I assure you, she can… and she will. It is a mathematical certainty.
Bernanke: How much time?
Economists: A year, two at the most.
Bernanke: And how many aboard?
Economists: The entire economy on board, sir.
Bernanke: [to himself] Well, I believe you may get your headlines, Bankers.
Bankers: Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they aren’t too crowded.
American Public: Oh, shut up! Don’t you understand? Those assets are toxic and there isn’t enough money. Not enough by half. Half the banks on this ship are going to fail. Countless Americans will be unemployed. The markets will crash!
Bernanke: Not the better half. Come on Bankers, bailouts are right up here.
Bankers: [amongst each other] You know, it’s a pity we didn’t keep those short positions. They will be worth a lot more by morning.
American Public: You unimaginable bastards!
-In the final moments, before the ship disappears into the sea-
American Public: I don’t know about you, but I intend on writing a strongly worded letter to my Congressman about all of this!
And now for the Financial Stability Improvement Act of 2009 – bye bye last glimmer of capitalism…
Although the most recent GDP figures show that our economy is back on track again, the numbers are quite inflated by the cash-for-clunkers program. Whatever the reason (barring a reduction of unemployment by half), even the Titanic rose higher before she made the final plunge into the abyss. We need only to turn to the problems emerging in the commercial real estate market for an accurate forecast.
In the words my high school physics instructor, Coach Rob, used to describe our grades, “Going down.”
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